I get this sudden terrifying thought that I’m going to die: a feeling of impending annihilation takes hold of me. It seems totally illogical because there is no actual physical threat. And it’s not a panicky fear either. It’s not like I’m so scared my head thinks it’s going to die. No. It’s as if, I unconsciously know my ego is about to shatter so it FEELS like I’m going to die. Because in a way I AM going to die. My ego is going to die. And mostly I think from my ego so it’s no surprise that it feels like it’s going to die. But of course I never do actually die. Just my ego shuts down for repair work to the psyche that the ego wouldn’t be seen dead doing. That’s why it has to go because it wouldn’t be seen DEAD doing the things I do when my ego has gone.
I think it’s a necessary part of the psyche’s healing process to shut down the ego. What takes over is the unconscious: the part of me that knows all the things my ego shoved away in the cupboard. But the unconscious doesn’t use language in the same way the ego does. My unconscious speaks through gestures and actions. It tells me of my past and all the things I’ve been through in this life (or a past one) that I’ve hidden in the closet marked ‘traumatic’ and ‘best forgotten for better functioning.’
And that’s what gets called psychosis. This ingenious way my psyche can decide to do an overhaul on the system – kick the ego out of the way and let out all the undigested psychological material locked away in the basement. The ego can’t handle this kind of stuff. Luckily what replaces it is the LOVE that I am. The unconditional, purifying, accepting love that is who we ALL are. And this part of me can just let it all unfold without having to edit myself. I call it healing. Genius.
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